My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
