Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
