I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
