Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
