I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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