Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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