he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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