Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.