Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
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The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
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All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society