im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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