Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
