My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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