Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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