What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
