i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
