He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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