You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
