before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
