I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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