i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
