I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
