Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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