I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
