I'm eating all of the evidence.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
