Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
