so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
