it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
