were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
