she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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