he shaved USA in his pubs
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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