I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
