Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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