I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
