apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
