you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
