She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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