respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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