Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
