Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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