I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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The adults are the big ones right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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