Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
