I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
