How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
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you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
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Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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