I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize