he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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