While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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