I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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