Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
