You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
