I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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