I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
