I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
that's an acceptable place to lick
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
