We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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