I wish my penis had an off switch
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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