How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
