my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
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Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
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Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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