I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
